My heart was filled with emptiness. It was full of nothingness.

And nothing will come out of nothing.

I realised just how much I don’t know you. I realised how much I don’t know You. I realised how much I didn’t know of so many things. And I don’t understand. I can’t.

At that, I wrestled hard with God. I struggled. I prayed. In such a state of mind, nothing went right, and I couldn’t hear God, or sense His presence. I knew He was there, somehow. But so many times, head knowledge fails, and this is one of such moments.

And you know, I really cannot understand the way things are turning out. I can’t comprehend your absence. I cannot grasp the meaning of this irresponsibility. I can’t help wanting to despise you. But I can’t. How can I? Can something be done to change this? You, tell me.

Along this unfortunate day, this was quite skeptically suggested amidst our conversation about mission trips. If evangelising was all that important in my life, why couldn’t I just forfeit my exams and go for the mission trip? It set me thinking for a bit. And I suppose the answer in my head was simply because God gave us responsibilites as students to finish our studies and bring glory to His name. All these blessings and gifts should all be utilised for His name’s sake. And if we were to do such irresponsible things like forsaking our studies at the spur of the moment, it would clearly show poor stewardship of His grace. I think.

But Lord, I yearn for a greater capacity to love Thee, and to love Thee more, I pray for greater courage to spread Thy love and share Thy Word.

Sigh.

The Fish in the Stone was horrendously misread.

I need to stop this nonsensical self-deprecation. It’s ridiculously useless.

Time to do some math and finish some of the 8 essays (for now) I have to do for Chinese.

Note to self: stop being desperate.