It is all very strange. When your dreams come back dashed, what do you do? When all along, you thought this was the right path to go, but it ends up being lined up with obstacles and barriers, would you continue going down that winding narrow path? I suppose a life without suffering and difficulties wouldn’t be a life. Trials breed perseverance and character, yes, and God tries you to purify and mould you. Ever so true.
 

But what to make of this? Sometimes, I wonder. How many times can a heart get broken and shattered, before it is beyond repair? How much can one take, before it is just too much to bear?
 

I can’t say how terrible this all feels, to feel so loved at one point, and cringing with pain and agony the other. Appearances. Reality. I need advice. PLEASE. Maybe I knew this was going to happen. It had to happen. Or else, I wouldn’t have known this was what I was to you. I wouldn’t know that my happiness was built on your misery. I would continue thinking that all these was done willingly, not done going away thinking what you think. At least, I know, I know what next to do. I want to make things right, not continually make you upset. But I can’t seem to do that very well, CAN I?How can one love someone, and think she is a waste of his time? Tell me. HOW? HOW? H-O-W? I don’t understand. I cannot. How am I supposed to understand all these? WHY? WHY? 
Maybe, I should have the same ambition as Meranda. To die by 26 years old, after we meet for the last time on the epiphany, 6th January 2016. We will meet. We will perish together. Not suicide, of course. In a natural way. A painless way. 
 

But this is really silly because… 
 

I want to live a fulfilling life for God!
 

COME ON NOW KERRIANN, YOU KNOW THAT WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT NOW IS TO LIVE IT FOR GOD. ALL THE THINGS WILL FALL INTO PLACE SO LONG YOU TRUST HIM WITH YOUR LIFE. STOP LIVING SO RECKLESSLY AND SILLY-LY.
 

[edit:6:49pm] Somehow, the best way to feel better after all these funny things, is to sleep off some feelings. But I was feeling tired already, so the nap was always going to happen. Hm. I shall go on to work hard to finish this final map for Geography IA, and study. 
And. Yes. I am a spoilt brat. I can’t get what I want. I cry. I need to change this. Fastly. Maybe then, I’ll be a much better person. I won’t cause so much trouble. I won’t be such a burden, a waste of time. I won’t cause stupid compromises to be made. I will be a person worth loving and making sacrifices for. I will be worth the time. 
Yay? Tell me if its true.
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